Ok, so it is 10:45pm, I am wound up due to a brain that sometimes doesn't shut off. I worked with Colton today on a project that was way overdue from 4:30-9:00pm straight. So perhaps I am just tired and grumpy. Then, I was just on the phone to Mike, only wrote my first blog on him a day ago and well what do you know . . . I am irritated with him, my perfect man is not so perfect! Well . . . ok so he is totally great and almost percect - did I mention that we have a very "real" relationship as well :-) There isn't much tiptoeing around . . . when you have been divorced and messed up already, you don't want to go there again. So, you try very hard to be real . . . maybe too real, constantly testing (on my end that is). The more often I am irritated with life in general, I realize it is much more about me than anyone or anything else. Mike says I have high expectations and that I also put those on the people around me . . . he is right and I think at this moment I realize it comes from fear . . . my own controlling issues and fears. Boy that sucks. I so much want things to work out, in all areas . . . with my kids, with my job, with mike, with extended family, with the kids and their dad, etc. etc. Sometimes I just need to let it go, some of it is in my circle of control, some of it is not. Another interesting thing about this is that God is really in control of all of these situations . . . NOT ME! Perhaps if I would just take my own hands off and let Him do His part . . . then I could stop messing it up!!So, sorry for the rantings, I did say originally that this could be therapy for me . . . hopefully you wont need therapy after reading it!
Proverbs 16:9 says "we can make our plans, but the LORD determines our steps".
Love you all.
5 comments:
You are a strong woman like me... That's not a bad thing... when it's just you in the world!!!
You have had to hold some crazy stuff together for a long time. I bet it hard to let them go.... but with God's help (and Mike's) you'll do just fine...
... just watch and see.
I thinks i love you more today than I did yesterday. In fact I know i do. I love your willingNess to be real. I appreciate that strength and the growth I have seen in you in this past year. You rock!
Love the picture, reminds me of the coffee nights we use to have in where the place closed and no one told us it did and here we were just gabbing and venting while the workers waited. I think we learned from that time on to ask when closing time was. Life really sucks at times! our children sure think so and aren't we Gods children getting frustrated and upset trying to control situations when we just don't know it/see it all like he does(this in no way implies that we as parents know it all, gosh we are just humans).
sooo it's not possible to have a perfect man? DANG!
I think you are great and one of the Best MOMS I know!!! I couldn't read one story and not get teary eyes...I think this will be therapeutic for me too. I miss you guys sooo much and I love seeing all those pics of Madi Colton and Levi, Wish I could see you more... but in the meantime I will keep reading. Hudson and I miss all of you and LOVE yous!!!! C U Soon I hope!!
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